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An Open Letter From Mitt Romney

Dear America,

First, let me say that it was a great privilege to campaign across this great land for months and to get to know so many of you and hear about your dreams and your concerns. I wish the outcome had been different, but it was not to be.

I’ve had a chance these last few weeks to reflect on the campaign and on what the election results mean, and I’ve come to this conclusion: I’m really, really ashamed of you. Facing an historic election that will determine the course of this nation for years to come, you chose to let yourself be swayed by a bunch of expensive gifts you don’t need and didn’t deserve. I’m not surprised that the 47 percent of you who are lazy, worthless takers without the ambition or initiative to make your own way in the world took Obama’s handouts, but I didn’t expect that other four percent who voted for him to be so easily bought.

You people with pre-existing conditions sold out your country for access to health care? Really? Your ancestors crossed the prairie in covered wagons, and you’re too wimpy to go to the emergency room when you get sick? And you shiftless washouts who lost your livelihood in the recession or had your jobs eliminated when Bain Capital took over your business want MORE unemployment benefits, after all you’ve taken already? You just expect those of us in the one percent to dole out more and more of our wealth so you can eat. Have you no shame?

Then there are you Latinos out there whose brothers and cousins and nephews came to this country illegally. You got suckered by the promise that their children could stay here and that your friends and relatives might have a way to become citizens. I offered to let your wetback relations self-deport without any problems at all, but no! You’d rather their kids be educated at our expense, take our people’s jobs and become good little taxpaying liberals. It’s sickening.

I’ll never understand women. A couple of silly little comments about rape and pregnancy and and you all go nuts! One promise to let your insurance pay for contraceptives and you’re all ga-ga for Democrats. You’d think controlling your own bodies was your God-given right the way you talk. And don’t even get me started on abortion. Oh, and that thing about equal pay? Dream on.

And you young people! Honestly, you traded your vote for what? Cheap loans for college. Like getting an education is going to get you anywhere these days. I guess you haven’t noticed that guys like me make the rules now, and we’re keeping the money. I don’t care what Obama promised you. The middle class is toast. You’ll take the wages we give you and be happy we let you have anything at all.

In conclusion, let me say again that I regret that you didn’t give me the opportunity to be your president. I’m not sorry, though, that I didn’t try to buy your vote with promises to create and maintain programs that might make your lives better. I lied about pretty much everything else, but I have too much integrity for that. It would have been an honor and a privilege to have had the chance to keep chipping away at what little you have left.

God bless you, and God bless America, or at least the 49 percent of you who voted for me.

Warmth

According to reports, the plan is to showcase the warm, fuzzy side of Mitt Romney at the upcoming GOP convention, countering his image as a cold, unfeeling technocrat unable to connect with ordinary people. There will be a film clip of him giving his Swiss banker a big bear hug and videos of him tossing coins to grateful Cayman Islanders from the bridge of his yacht. One highlight will be Tuesday night’s appearance by Donald Trump, during which the Donald will fire someone, only to have Mitt hire him on the spot. On Wednesday, his pick for vice-president, Paul Ryan, will go over the details of his budget plan. Even Mitt will seem warm and cuddly after that cold-blooded performance. On Thursday night, just before accepting the nomination, Romney reportedly will drive onstage and finally release his dog from the cage on the car’s roof. Top that, Barack!

Nation of Whiners

When did politics become one long offended whine? Poor little Mitt getting beat up on his taxes by the big mean Dems. Poor little Barack, inheriting a bad economy because of those nasty old Republicans. Poor little Paul Ryan, had to grow up without a daddy, so everyone else should have their benefits cut and be self-reliant like him. Poor little minority and elderly voters, having to produce picture IDs to vote. Hey, guys, this is politics, remember? A full-contact sport. Hardball. Get over it. Are the campaigns really going to spend a couple of billion dollars to tell me why I should elect the most victimized candidates? 

Paul Ryan

Oh, Goodie. Mitt chose Paul Ryan. We now know what the campaign will be about: the Ryan budget, which slashes social services, redesigns Medicare and Social Security, and eviscerates the safety net, giving away the savings through massive tax cuts for the wealthy, who already pay the lowest taxes in modern history. If the Republicans can persuade Americans that this is in their best interest, it will be because the Democrats are completely inept at communicating with the voters, something I definitely worry about, given their recent inability to counter the extreme right wing agenda. This should be a slam dunk for Obama, but nothing is certain in this political climate.

Mitt’s Veep

Now the far right is demanding that poor Mitt prove his bona fides as a true wingnut by selecting Rep. Paul Ryan, author of the extreme budget the Republican party has adopted, a budget so mean-spirited that even the American Catholic bishops have denounced it for savaging the safety net. Romney, a formerly sane Republican who in the past has made at least a modicum of sense and who has previously championed what used to be an acceptably moderate Republican agenda, has already bent over backwards disavowing virtually everything he used to believe in. This, of course, has not been enough for the Ridiculous Right, which will never trust Mitt not to be secretly sane. 

Mitt in Poland

Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney made a speech in Poland today extolling the Polish economic system and the virtues of free enterprise and private industry which have made the Polish economy so robust. He failed to mention, of course, the very good Polish health care system, a government-run program in which all workers are required to participate, or the national pension system which guarantees retirement income. Seems that in Poland, at least, mandatory social programs can co-exist nicely with a capitalist economy. Evidently Mitt doesn’t wants us to notice that part of the equation.