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An Open Letter From Mitt Romney

Dear America,

First, let me say that it was a great privilege to campaign across this great land for months and to get to know so many of you and hear about your dreams and your concerns. I wish the outcome had been different, but it was not to be.

I’ve had a chance these last few weeks to reflect on the campaign and on what the election results mean, and I’ve come to this conclusion: I’m really, really ashamed of you. Facing an historic election that will determine the course of this nation for years to come, you chose to let yourself be swayed by a bunch of expensive gifts you don’t need and didn’t deserve. I’m not surprised that the 47 percent of you who are lazy, worthless takers without the ambition or initiative to make your own way in the world took Obama’s handouts, but I didn’t expect that other four percent who voted for him to be so easily bought.

You people with pre-existing conditions sold out your country for access to health care? Really? Your ancestors crossed the prairie in covered wagons, and you’re too wimpy to go to the emergency room when you get sick? And you shiftless washouts who lost your livelihood in the recession or had your jobs eliminated when Bain Capital took over your business want MORE unemployment benefits, after all you’ve taken already? You just expect those of us in the one percent to dole out more and more of our wealth so you can eat. Have you no shame?

Then there are you Latinos out there whose brothers and cousins and nephews came to this country illegally. You got suckered by the promise that their children could stay here and that your friends and relatives might have a way to become citizens. I offered to let your wetback relations self-deport without any problems at all, but no! You’d rather their kids be educated at our expense, take our people’s jobs and become good little taxpaying liberals. It’s sickening.

I’ll never understand women. A couple of silly little comments about rape and pregnancy and and you all go nuts! One promise to let your insurance pay for contraceptives and you’re all ga-ga for Democrats. You’d think controlling your own bodies was your God-given right the way you talk. And don’t even get me started on abortion. Oh, and that thing about equal pay? Dream on.

And you young people! Honestly, you traded your vote for what? Cheap loans for college. Like getting an education is going to get you anywhere these days. I guess you haven’t noticed that guys like me make the rules now, and we’re keeping the money. I don’t care what Obama promised you. The middle class is toast. You’ll take the wages we give you and be happy we let you have anything at all.

In conclusion, let me say again that I regret that you didn’t give me the opportunity to be your president. I’m not sorry, though, that I didn’t try to buy your vote with promises to create and maintain programs that might make your lives better. I lied about pretty much everything else, but I have too much integrity for that. It would have been an honor and a privilege to have had the chance to keep chipping away at what little you have left.

God bless you, and God bless America, or at least the 49 percent of you who voted for me.