Texas governor Greg Abbott, responding to internet rumors of a planned military takeover of the Lone Star State, has called out Texas State Guard forces to “monitor” a large U.S. military training exercise, named Operation Jade Helm.
Officials in Washington debunked the notion that President Obama is trying to put Texas under martial law.
“We have no intention of taking over Texas,” Defense Secretary Ashton Carter explained. “Quite the opposite, we’re there to keep Texas from taking over the rest of the country.
“After watching Texas grow increasingly paranoid and unpredictable under the governorships of Rick Perry and Abbott , we’re simply moving to prevent further contamination of the other 49 states.”
“To begin with,” added Labor Secretary Thomas Perez, “Texas is the poster child for income inequality in America. You’d think that with such a high rate of poverty and so many millionaires, they’d want to find ways to help people at the bottom, but the reverse is true.
“Even though they have the highest percentage of people without health insurance in the country, they refused Obamacare. They turned their back Medicaid expansion, and only Alabama has more restrictive Medicaid eligibility. It’s as though they’re at war with the poor.”
“Only one state has more gun murders.” noted the Surgeon General’s office, “and no state has looser gun laws. Their solution seems to be to let Texans kill each other and then execute the killers. They put more prisoners to death than any other state in the union by far. It’s a truly bizarre system.”
Ann Ravel, chairwoman of the Federal Elections Commission, commented that, “between gerrymandered districts and the outrageous voting restrictions, Texas is one of the least democratic states in the country. There’s a reason Texans keep electing the people they do.”
“Honestly, the last thing we want is to occupy Texas,” the Defense Secretary explained. “We just don’t want whatever’s going on there to spread.
“Frankly, it would be be big relief if Mexico would just take it back.”