New Jersey Governor Chris Christie apologized today to the people of his state, saying he was “embarrassed and humiliated” by revelations that members of his administration had ordered lane closings on the George Washington Bridge for political revenge.
"People who know me as the vain, petty and vindictive politician and man that I am also know that I would never have allowed this to happen if I’d known my top aide would leave such an obvious paper trail. I’ve been careful my entire political life to make certain that the fact that I’m at heart a spiteful prick is completely hidden from the public.
"I apologize to the people of New Jersey, and especially to the residents of Fort Lee for the inept coverup by my staff. The people who elected me expect and deserve a governor whose closest advisors allow him to perform mean-spirited and malicious gotchas with impunity.
"I will be meeting with the mayor of Fort Lee, whose town was turned into an impassable parking lot by the lane closures, to personally apologize for not warning the worthless little shmuck in advance what would happen if he endorsed my opponent during my re-election campaign. That was an unfortunate oversight, and the staffer who failed to send that message has been fired.
"After a thorough investigation, I want to assure the people of New Jersey and the rest of the country that everyone involved in this sordid affair, with the exception of myself, of course, has agreed to fall on his and/or her sword to protect my pursuit of the Republican nomination for president. I hope that I am now able to put this behind me, and that we have all learned a valuable lesson from this sordid affair, especially anyone stupid enough to oppose me in the future."