Archeologists who recently found what is being called the Gospel of Jesus’s Wife have made yet another startling discovery.
Just days ago, it was announced that the fragment of papyrus which contain the words, “Jesus said to them, my wife…” is in fact ancient, dating from between 659 and 859 A.D.
Now researchers say that the previously missing portion of that document has been found and translated. The complete text reads,
"Jesus said to them, my wife says either I start coming home at a reasonable hour or she’s leaving. These late-nights at the pub with the guys are getting out of hand. And what’s with this ‘disciples’ business? Of course these shnorers you hang with love you. Just because you pick up the check every time doesn’t make you some kind of deity. All they have to do is cry on your shoulder about how broke they are and you’re buying the next round. Talk about turning water into wine! Did you ever think of spending that money fixing up the house, or putting something away for a rainy day?
"Not to mention, these hangers-on you spend all your time with—what do they do all day? Don’t they have jobs? What do their wives say? The ones who have wives. A couple of them, honestly, give me the creeps. Have you seen how that Peter guy ogles the little boys? And Judas? That shmuck would sell his mother for a couple of pieces of silver.
"And I don’t want to hear any more brave talk about giving up the carpentry shop and going on the road with this Messiah shtick you idiots cooked up after one too many. If you’re going to do it, do it and stop daydreaming about it. If you didn’t sleep in every other morning you’d have a decent business built up by now. We could use a few more loaves and fishes in the cupboard, you know. But go, do it already!
"And for God’s sake, if you’re really serious about this religious revival road show nonsense, make sure you include some women. Every time you men get going on something without consulting the wives, it’s a disaster. It’s bad enough what the priests are doing around here with the money lending and the corruption without you and your boyfriends adding a whole bunch of new problems. If anybody had paid attention to the women I guarantee we’d have put a stop to this nonsense a long time ago. But no, you macho guys are going to fix it all by yourselves. Good luck with that.
"For once in your life, Jesus, listen to your wife. This is not going to end well. You’re either going to get the authorities really pissed off, or more likely, you’re going to starve. Either way, If you keep going like this you’ll be dead by the time you’re 35."