Be Very Afraid

Today, just a week after the horrific events in Paris, a day after another deadly terrorist attack in Mali, I am announcing my candidacy. I am running for office not for myself, not from any personal desire for glory, but out of a sincere belief that this country is being led, tragically, in the wrong direction.

It is clear to me that my opponent is out of touch with the American people and dangerously naive about the threats we face at home and abroad. He would have you believe that the appropriate response to the growing menace of terrorism is to double down on the traditional American values of openness and inclusiveness. He would tell you that the American people are strongest when we refuse to alter our way of life out of fear. He would have you believe that the greatest threat to our nation is not murderous jihadists but abandoning our core values in the face of terrorism.

To that I say, fear, fear itself, is the only reasonable response. My message to you, my fellow Americans, is simply this. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

My opponent will likely point out that in the last decade only 24 Americans have died from terrorist attacks in this country. He will tell you that every single year, more than 30,000 Americans are killed by guns and another 30,000 die in auto accidents. He will remind you that mentally unstable mass murderers with insanely easy access to guns have killed more than 900 in that same period.

To that I say, so what? These things happen. My opponent would have us waste precious time and limited resources by making it harder for homegrown terrorists and the mentally ill to get guns, taking away our precious freedoms in the process, when we should be eavesdropping on every phone call, text message and Facebook posting, building a giant wall around the entire country, and preventing even one single immigrant from coming here, even if most of them are fleeing the very terrorism we have just witnessed. Yes, once we were a nation of immigrants, but that was then, and this is now. We must also commit hundreds of thousands of troops to an endless war against a shadowy enemy in a dozen countries, with no clear strategy or end game, and with the real risk of further inflaming and emboldening our enemies.

What I propose will cost billions, perhaps trillions, will end once and for all America’s long-standing tradition of welcoming the downtrodden and oppressed to our shores, will likely result in many more American casualties than the terrorists would ever be able to inflict otherwise, and won’t do a thing to prevent radicalized or deranged American citizens from going on murderous rampages, but it will give us the comforting illusion that we’re doing something. The world is just too dangerous for us not to pretend that tough talk, knee-jerk xenophobia and pointless war-mongering is the answer.

We can’t be too safe.

Or too afraid.

I promise, if elected, I will do my best every minute of every day to keep every American in a constant state of fear.

Obama’s Failed Strategy

We of the opposition have officially had it with this president! I think I speak for every Republican when I say that Obama’s response to the threat of the Islamic State  is either incredibly naive, or worse, criminally stupid.

He actually refuses, in the wake of the carnage in Paris, to  alter his administration’s tragically failed policy against ISIS. Despite the horrific bloodshed, and the obvious ongoing threat of more, he still wants to stay the course. Still no American troops committed to the battle, still total reliance on untrustworthy Arab partners for military action, still wholly invested in a woefully ineffective air campaign, while ISIS gobbles up more territory and expands its threat to the civilized world. Sure,the president says this misguided, weak-kneed policy was developed in concert with and support of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the nation’s intelligence community, but come on! This is the best they could come up with?

What’s the alternative, you ask? Hundreds of thousands of American troops on the ground? A multi-front war that consumes vast resources against a shadowy army operating in vast ungoverned areas of half a dozen failed states across North Africa and the Mideast?

Of course not. That would be almost as  foolish as the president’s current inept strategy.

Instead, unlike Obama,  we would use American strength and know-how to lead a broad coalition of trusted Arab partners to take the fight directly to the enemy, supported with an intensive campaign using all the available resources of America’s superior air power, including fighters, bombers and drones.  In this scenario, we would need no American boots on the ground, but we would use our expertise, advanced technology and tactical superiority to arm, train and direct our regional partners.  And we would develop this multi-pronged strategy  in close  consultation with  America’s military leadership, along with the CIA and the National Security Agency.

What a difference this kind of bold leadership, combined with a clear, comprehensive strategy, would make,  if only our president would listen.

Going for 100

For the past several years my beloved Colorado Rockies, the local semi-pro baseball team, has flirted with an historic achievement–100 losses in a season, a number which assures that a team is genuinely awful and not merely very bad.

Most fans will have tuned them out by now, given that by mid-June the Rockies are usually so far behind in the standings that they play no part in the pennant race.  I, however, have found a way to stay interested in the fortunes of the team until the very last day of the regular season.

I am rooting for them to lose 100 games, a mark the Rox have never achieved in 24 years of mostly lousy baseball.

They have been so very, very close for the last four years, but have been unable to lose enough squeakers late in the season. One more bullpen meltdown here, a botched double play there, a failed bunt attempt or two, and they might have made it happen. But no. Inexplicably, they manage to avoid just enough fundamental breakdowns to pull out a handful more than the 62 wins required.

In 2012 they very nearly made it, losing 98. It was heartbreaking. They fell apart in 2013 with a mediocre 88, sometimes playing almost competent ball, but roared back last year with 96. This season they’ve given me new reason to hope. With a the worst starting pitching in baseball, a truly dreadful bullpen, a punchless lineup, at 24 games under .500  they are on track to lose 96 again this year, meaning that the final weeks of the season are critical.

One can only hope that the September call-ups, especially the pitchers,  will be even more horrendously inept than the current roster of forgettables, and that they’ll manage to boot just enough games to make it to the magic century mark. How exciting it will be if they can reach the final contest with 99 losses, and that last game, against the Diamondbacks on September 30, really matters for a change. That will be one to watch!

Go Rockies! You can do it!

Who Does This Pope Think He Is?

Okay, I’m done. Over it. Finished. I’ve had it. I  gave this guy every chance, but this time he went too far.

I was fine when the previous two Popes were all bent out of shape about contraception and abortion and gay marriage. As long as the Catholic Church was obsessed with how other people behaved in their private lives, I had no problem with the Pontiff. I’m not gay and my wife is too old to have any more kids, so what do I care?

But this time it’s personal. Who the Hell does this Pope Francis guy think he is, anyway, telling me how to run my business?  SteinCorp is a multi-billion-dollar international manufacturing/energy/pharmaceutical conglomerate. If for one moment I let myself believe in human-caused climate change, I would have to seriously reconsider how we do business all over the world. Making changes on that scale would be inconceivably catastrophic to our bottom line.

And don’t lecture me about the poor. My business gives plenty to charity. And where would my employees in Bangladesh be without the $5 a day I pay them? And is it my fault that building collapsed? Like I can spend my time inspecting every one of our facilities around the world. Plus, they’re used to breathing air the color of dirt and handling poisons that would fell a bull elephant. Are any of them going to live one day longer if I shut down my factories and throw them out on the street?

What would you have me do–believe in what all those know-it-all scientists believe, or what is convenient and expedient for me to believe? Answer to the Pope or to my shareholders? Hmm, let me mull that one over.

Fortunately, the majority of the members of Congress, many of whom I have generously supported with massive campaign contributions (you’ll have to guess which ones. I don’t have to tell and neither do they), have my back on this one.  And I can tell you for a fact that most of them are not happy with this Pope one bit. So long as the Church was aligned with the Republican social agenda, we were all good. But now? How dare you meddle in politics?

So, Mr. High and Mighty Pope Francis, if you want to waste your life worrying about the planet, do it in private and stop bothering me. I have a company to run.

You’ll do yourself and the Church a lot more good if you get your nose out of my business and back into the bedroom, where it belongs.


No Recall


United States of America
Division of Government

Product Update:

Dear Stakeholder,

We have recently discovered a serious flaw in your governmental democracy. Unless repairs are made, permanent damage to your country is likely to result.

The engine was originally designed to run on a lean mixture of limited campaign funding and broad contact with voters. However, recent changes made to the power plant have had the unfortunate consequence of forcing your vehicle to run on robust infusions of cash from limited sources. As a result, the direct contacts with the public have been dangerously eroded, resulting in frequent misfiring, poor performance and occasional complete shutdowns.

Unfortunately, there is no single, simple repair that can fix the problem. We have investigated a number of possible solutions, but so far have found nothing that will work permanently.

At this time, our best suggestion is a complete factory recall of your government. To date, we have been unable to convince the appropriate agencies, which would of necessity be included in such a recall, to agree to issue such an order. This is likely the result of an additional design flaw, apparently built into the system from the beginning, and has frustrated every effort to fix the current problem.

That leaves the next election as your last, best and perhaps only recourse.

Good luck.

Hillary’s Money

The campaign of Hillary Clinton, the front-runner for the Democratic nomination for president, is off to a rocky start.  Even before she announced her candidacy, critics were questioning contributions made to the Clinton Foundation, the charitable organization run by Ms. Clinton and her husband, former president Bill Clinton.

“Some of the money they accepted from foreign entities while she was Secretary of State sure is revealing, ” said former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, who is one of many vying for the Republican nomination. “You really have to wonder whose interests she was serving. You can’t say that if you don’t know where the money comes from.”

“Why on earth would the Clintons take money from places like Saudi Arabia if she knew she was going to run?” added Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “It makes no sense. Why didn’t she funnel everything to a super PAC? That way she could have kept it private.”

Jeb Bush, whose own Right to Rise super PAC has raised tens of millions in secret money, agreed. “The Clinton Foundation reports its contributions. We know who’s writing the checks. It’s idiotic for a candidate for national office to be that open. Good grief, if the public knew who was giving me money, they’d go nuts.”

“I don’t agree with Jeb on much. Well, actually, all of us GOP candidates agree on pretty much everything,” chimed in Florida Senator Marco Rubio, “but we all agree that secret, untraceable money is the key to getting elected. I mean, if the people really understood whose bidding we’d be doing once we’re in office, there’d be a revolution in this country.”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was typically blunt. “Follow the money. The Clintons are raking it in, and we know exactly from where and from whom.  Do you think for one minute I would reveal where my funding comes from? It would be like me admitting I knew about the traffic problems on the bridge.

“In this day and age in America, that level of transparency is simply unheard of. It really makes you question whether Hillary has the judgement to be president.”

Messin’ With Texas

Texas governor Greg Abbott, responding to internet rumors of a planned military takeover of the Lone Star State, has called out Texas State Guard forces to “monitor” a large U.S. military training exercise, named Operation Jade Helm.

Officials in Washington debunked the notion that President Obama is trying to put Texas under martial law.

“We have no intention of taking over Texas,” Defense Secretary Ashton Carter explained. “Quite the opposite, we’re there to keep Texas from taking over the rest of the country.

“After watching Texas grow increasingly paranoid and unpredictable under the governorships of Rick Perry and Abbott , we’re simply moving to prevent further contamination of the other 49 states.”

“To begin with,” added Labor Secretary Thomas Perez, “Texas is the poster child for income inequality in America.  You’d think that with such a high rate of poverty and so many millionaires, they’d want to find  ways to help people at the bottom, but the reverse is true.

“Even though they have the highest percentage of people without health insurance in the country, they refused Obamacare. They turned their back Medicaid expansion, and only Alabama has more restrictive Medicaid eligibility. It’s as though they’re at war with the poor.”

“Only one state has more gun murders.” noted the Surgeon General’s office, “and no state has looser gun laws. Their solution seems to be to let Texans kill each other and then execute the killers. They put more prisoners to death than any other state in the union by far. It’s a truly bizarre system.”

Ann Ravel, chairwoman of the Federal Elections Commission, commented that, “between gerrymandered districts and the outrageous voting restrictions, Texas is one of the least democratic states in the country.  There’s a reason Texans keep electing the people they do.”

“Honestly, the last thing we want is to occupy Texas,” the Defense Secretary explained. “We just don’t want whatever’s going on there to spread.

“Frankly, it would be be big relief if Mexico would just take it back.”


The Game of Thrones Solution

The Supreme Court this week heard arguments in a case brought by three death row inmates challenging the constitutionality of lethal injection.

As recently as 2008, the justices ruled that the three-drug protocol then in use passed constitutional muster. Those drugs have since become unavailable, and the states have scrambled to replace them, often with disastrous results. Condemned men have died in agony when the replacement concoctions failed to work as promised.

Now the Court is wrestling with the fallout from those gruesome experiments, with the liberals predictably appalled and the conservatives apparently unperturbed. Why justices who are so squeamish about abortion seemingly have no qualms about burning a man from the inside with caustic drugs escapes me, but I’m hardly an expert in the finer points of the law.

Let us not even consider the recent revelation that the FBI Crime Lab condemned dozens of men to death on the basis of sloppy and now thoroughly discredited DNA testing of hair samples. We’ll assume, for the sake of this argument, that everyone convicted of a capital crime is actually guilty and we won’t be wrongly executing a bunch of minorities on the flimsiest of evidence. We’re over that now. That was so 2013. And the police always use the utmost care when arresting Black men. Okay, maybe not in Baltimore, but it’s really not a problem anywhere else, right?  But I digress. The case before the Court is narrowly confined to the constitutionality of lethal injection.

Please allow me to offer a simple, elegant solution, one that came to me while binge-watching Game of Thrones on HBO. Forget lethal injection. Cut off their heads.

On Game of Thrones, it’s done with a single stroke of a heavy broadsword. Quick and neat, no fuss, no muss (well, except for a lot of blood spewing from severed arteries and the head possibly rolling across the floor and fouling one’s Guccis).  One chop, and it’s done. No lingering in unspeakable agony. There should be no constitutional issue because of unreasonable pain and suffering.

One important detail, though. In Game of Thrones,  Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell, insists that he who passes judgement must be the one who carries out the sentence. When we go to the broadsword solution, we should also demand that the judges who pass sentence  be the ones who perform the execution. If the Supremes decide that the death penalty is still okay, they should be prepared to swing the sword. I propose that they spend the months the Court is in recess doing executions.

I, for one, would love to see the live telecast of John Roberts beheading a bunch of condemned men, most of them Black, on the steps of the Court, while Antonin Scalia, Samuel Alito, Anthony Kennedy and Clarence Thomas look on impassively (except maybe for a little smirk by Scalia).

How do you think that would play in Baltimore?

Tax Week Relief

I can’t wait. I am on pins and needles. I am dizzy with anticipation. Which will come first, my income tax refund or the flood of money I will get now that The House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed much-needed tax relief?

By a vote of 240-179, the House voted this week to repeal the estate tax, which currently applies to inheritances valued at over $5,430,000 (that’s for individuals; joint estates are taxed only when they reach twice that amount).

True, this applies to only the wealthiest 0.2 percent of the population, but we all know that the extremely rich, despite numerous rounds of tax cuts, are still groaning under the weight of excessive taxation, and thus unable to share their wealth with the rest of us. Faced with the burdens of owning multiple homes, paying for private planes and yachts, maintaining extensive art collections and lavish wine cellars, shelling out for dues at private clubs, not to mention the spiraling costs of buying politicians and their increasingly expensive elections, there has been little left over for sharing the wealth with average citizens.

I think I speak for all of us in the remaining 99.8 percent when I say it’s about time that something changed.  Now that the wealthiest Americans can pass ALL their resources on to their offspring without Uncle Sam demanding an unfair share of it, the rest of us can expect wads of their money to come to us, as well. At least, that’s what I keep hearing.

How this will happen is still too complicated for a simple soul like me to understand, uneducated as I am in the arcane mysteries of economic theory, but who am I to doubt the politicians who assure me that I will inevitably share this largess some day? I’m sure that they’re acting in my best interests, even if I can’t afford to send them big campaign contributions.

Yes, I remember that Ronald Reagan promised 35 years ago that cutting taxes for the rich would mean more for all of us by the magic of “trickle down economics.” That it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t. I’m told these things don’t happen overnight. Maybe the pump just needs more priming.

It seems like it would have been simpler to get the money to me by cutting MY taxes, but what do I know?

Let me know when the check is in the mail.


Rand Paul is evolving. So is Jeb Bush.  I expect Hillary Clinton to mutate rapidly as soon as she declares officially. It’s the miracle of modern politics. A process that takes nature millions of years takes politicians only minutes after discovering that their previously-held positions are being questioned by potential voters.

While natural selection generally favors qualities, like increased intelligence, that improve the species, political evolution seems to work only backward.

Senator Paul, within a nanosecond of throwing his hat in the ring, was announcing that his Iran policy had changed.

“As many of your are aware,” Paul stated in his much-anticipated announcement speech, “I once said that it would be unwise for Congress to further sanction Iran while the President was negotiating with them. It was a responsible and nuanced approach to a complicated issue.

“Forget I ever said that. As a senator I have certain responsibilities. But as a candidate for president I disavow responsibility and nuance. In fact, for the duration of the campaign I promise never to make a nuanced statement on any issue. You have my word on it.”

Meanwhile, former Florida governor Bush was doing his own evolving.

“Yeah, it was pretty funny that I accidentally called myself Hispanic when I registered. Now, some of you might think I was just trying to court the Hispanic vote, because in the past, unlike most Republicans, I’ve said some genuinely sensible things about immigration,” the latest Bush to run for the highest office explained.

“But that was before I evolved. Now I realize that if I’m going to win the nomination I have to be just as stupid as the rest of the GOP on the subject. I know lots of people think I’m the smart Bush, and that I should have been president instead of my brother George. But I’m here to tell you that I’m at least as dumb as he is, and maybe even dumber,  especially on immigration.”

Hillary Clinton, who has yet to declare her candidacy, has not indicated how she will change once she is officially in the race. Her office would only comment that she currently is spending her time learning how to save emails.

“These new technologies aren’t easy for her,” a spokesperson said, ” but she’s evolving.”

The online home of editorial cartoonist, writer and analyst Ed Stein.